Lover of Hairy Men

When Technology Goes Wrong…

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 22:25:19 GMT

Let me finish that sentence:

‘When Technology Goes Wrong, Lucy Goes INSANE’

The above is no exaggeration (unless of course you take it literally), but seriously – over the past two days I have seen how I really CANNOT cope with the loss of my technology. Let me explain.

On Sunday, as per my usual daily routine, at some point in the day I will turn on my laptop to begin the daily indulgence of LJ communities, email checking, Instant Messenger (two kinds), Twitter (the latest obsession), Trip Advisor forums (for forthcoming holiday), itunes, and, occasionally – ebay. Now, unfortunately, when I turned on my beloved laptop on Sunday, it failed to boot. Non-plussed, i powered off and attempted the start up process once again. Nada. Now, by this time i was getting a)preoccupied and b)mildly twitchy. Once more i tried, this time to be faced with the start up repair system. Ah, progress, i thought. The computer recognised its error and was trying to fix itself. I was pleased, but it was to be short lived. The system froze, and this time when i attempted to reboot all i got was a black screen and a blinking cursor in the top left hand corner. This ‘blinking’ (i can think of a more choice adjective, but won’t lower myself to use it) was to become the bain of my life for two days.

Finally faced with defeat and more than ‘mildly twitchy’ at this point, i scooped out the user manual and retrieved the phone number for Dell support, which i duly rang. Not too much waiting, this pleased me, but unfortunately my joy was again to be short lived. After speaking to a friendly, foreign chap and explaining about my ‘blinking cursor’, he talked me through some steps, which, once completed satisfied him that the problem was not hardware, but rather software related. Progress – or so i thought. He explained that he would have to transfer me to their software technicians – fabulous- BUT - they were only operational until 8pm, and of course we had now crossed the threshhold of 8.15pm.

I’ll admit it – i was annoyed.

To give him his due, he said he would arrange a call at my convenience the following day (Monday) to link me up with the software department. Feeling very pleased with this, i requested 6pm and went to bed happy, ready for a shopping trip the following morning.

6.10pm arrived and my phone duly rang. Hurrah, i thought, but my joy was not to exist for long. After faffing about with F keys and windows disks and system repairs and god knows what else, we got to a system repair stage, which he told me would take 30mins to complete, so he would call me back. He said once completed the system would reboot and all would be well.

He lied. About two things – first the calling back within 30mins. An hour later i was still waiting, so i took the bull by the horns and rang them back, which foiled me really, because i had to explain everything anew to the new technician, which only served to make me more irritated because i was getting nowhere fast. Technician no.2 was probably more helpful, but i must say that the talk through the command prompt EVENT almost had me slitting my wrists due to the constant repetitions and ‘B for Bravo D for delta’ to clarify.

ANYWAY. He said that once the system had finished what we had instructed it to do, it would reboot and ask me for a new user name and password. Now, naturally at this juncture alarm bells began to ring – was i going to lose everything that i had on my computer? I had flashbacks of what had happened when the hard disk had crashed on my last laptop whilst i was at university and i had to ring furiously on a weekend to try and get a hold of a data recovery specialist in order to retrieve my essays – that were assessed and had to be handed in on the Monday morning – and if not, i was not going to get any marks. God, even at the memory I’m flustering. That was a costly mistake, but needless to say i learnt the value of pen drives. The funny thing is, looking back – i was probably calmer then than i have been the past few days. But I digress.

Technician 2 left me feeling satisfied that data would not be lost – he would be able to troubleshoot me through retrieving it from the old windows folder – and he’d call me back as soon as his shift began today – at noon. I thought, what a nice gent- marvellous! So i pottered off for some tea and cake (no, really, i did) and kept an intermittent eye on the laptop’s progress meanwhile. I felt my anger rising once the ‘progress completed’ and ‘image successfully applied’ appeared and the computer failed to reboot afterwards like i had been told it would. I will say that i am fairly proficient with all things computer related, and can solve most things myself – but i am no programmer and i know my limits. Ergo i will not begin fannying about with anything to do with the reinstallation of windows, or command prompts beyond my limited knowledge in that area. To that effect, i left the computer on all night as i didnt want to forcibly shut it down in case i eradicated anything that had been done.

So, Tuesday morning arrives and i’m waiting anxiously for Dell to ring back at 12. Yeah, you’ve guess it. I called them at 12.15. I explained that someone was supposed to ring me etc etc, but had to go through ALL the problem yet again and be told to ‘give a minute’ whilst they read the case history – all the while trying to keep myself away from sharp implements. Whilst waiting my ‘minute’ i was placed on hold. I HATE being placed on hold, and my temper was beginning to fray rapidly by this point. Imagine my anger further when I finally came off hold only to find that i had been picked up by ANOTHER DIFFERENT technician. ANYHOW – after losing the will to live, Tech 4356 had a strangely calming effect on me and promised that he wouldn’t lose my call, but would connect me to the original Tech who was supposed to call me at noon.

To my surprise, he actually managed it – but not before i had been on hold for 20 minutes and had kicked the kitchen cupboards, the fridge, rattled a few drawers and chairs and screamed in frustration for them to HURRY THE FUCK UP. At last i was reunited with my Technician, and i explained, on autopilot by now, the latest events. He also apologised for not calling, but i was beyond caring – i just wanted the damn thing fixed. Cut an already exceedingly long story short, i reinstalled windows, he left me, called back, asked how it was going – by this time i had created a new account and was surfing the web happily and had also found my old windows stuff and all my files – and he then took control of my computer and created a short cut. Then i spoke to his manager who was keen to hear about what i felt about the service, and to assure me that he didn’t think i would have any similar problems for a ‘very long time’ – I should bloody well hope not! I must admit that now that the rage had subsided, paranoia had crept in and i think probably everyone at Dell’s software department either knew me personally, or at least knew of me and my problems.

So, they arranged a status update call – they’d ring to make sure everything was all right (i had a feeling i’d be ringing them as the computer had been sitting on update 19 of 77 for about 30 mins, but my doubts were unfounded as it did indeed progress and finally updated to the latest version of vista after about an hour).

At 6.38pm tonight i had transferred all of my files, had my itunes back in order and was in the process of downloading messenger and updating my antivirus programme. To say that it had been a long and tiring day would be an understatement, but strangely, calm was beginning to creep back into my life.

As a reasonably rational person, I look back on events since Sunday and actually can’t believe my behaviour. I was on the verge of a breakdown/panic attack – and i know i can say without hesitation that should the same thing happen again (please God, NO!) i would be exactly the same, if not worse. I simply cannot function or be apart from my computer and access to the internet – it’s just that simple. Whilst the computer was out of action, i was updating the facebook and twitter communities via my blackberry, where i could also log into messenger – but it wasn’t enough.

Put simply, i cannot live without my computer and precious internet access. I am and always have been a huge fan of technology, but i never actually realised just how dependent i have become on it. (really that’s a lie, because when our internet broke down my friend and i went out in the car to a local well known spot where there is an unsecured wireless network so i could connect and check my email).

Technology is an important part of my life, from the 37” full HD TV and Blu Ray player in my room, to the Wii complete with component cable connection, to the laptop and my ipod – i cannot function if any of it goes wrong. It makes me unstable, it makes me cranky and want to break things and shout and scream in real frustration because i can’t fix the problem myself and am relying on and waiting for other people calling me back (trust issues and working with others to be investigated here i think!)

Objectively even I can see that this is ridiculous, but in this age we live in i fear i am not alone as a Techno Junkie and needing my daily fix. Technology is my crack – it’s my air, my life line – my connection to the world – i NEED it in order to live. Two days cold turkey and I’m a complete wreck – and even then it wasn’t total cold turkey because i had the trusty blackberry to hand. It' may sound absurd, but it’s true; faced with the same problems i’m sure there are many who would react similarly to myself. Just think how much you rely on/use technology, in particular computers, in your daily life, and imagine trying to work without them for nearly THREE days.

An abominable thought if ever there was one.

For the first night since Sunday I will go to bed happy, and have a restful night’s sleep, safe in the knowledge that, for now, my £43 has been well spent.

And my connection to the great beyond is once more intact.

Race For Life

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 17:28:50 GMT

Hi everyone.

This year, 31st May I will be doing the 5k Race for Life to raise money for cancer research. I'll be running in memory of my Uncle Norman and my cousin, Paul, who died of cancer within a year of each other. If you want to sponser me, that would be amazing. Every little helps :)

http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/lucydunbar

Another memmy meme meme

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 19:42:51 GMT

The Rules:
A. People who have been tagged must, if they choose to participate, write their answers on their blog and replace any question that they dislike with a new, original question. Please italicize the new question if you do that.
B. Tag eight people. Don't refuse to do that. Don't tag who tagged you.

01. What are your nicknames?
Luce, Lucifer, Rocket, Shorty

02. How do you style your hair?
Short, punky, emo. sometimes straightened so it sweeps over my eyes, other times spoked up into a quiff at the side

03. First three songs that appear on your iPod/MP3 on shuffle?
Spotlight - Jennifer Hudson
Hearts Burst Into Fire - Bullet For My Valentine
Signal Fire - Snow Patrol

04. How many colours are you wearing now?
Three - Black, white and lilac

05. Are you an introvert or extrovert?
I'm an extrovert for the masses, an introvert for myself

06. What was the last book you read?
Twilight by Stephanie Meyer

07. What's your favourite kind of take-out?
Indian

08. If the person you secretly like is already taken, what would you do?
Pine and bemoan my crappy luck

09. Last Youtube video you watched?
A David Tennant fanvid

10. What's your favourite dessert?
Creme Brulee

11. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
15mins

12. Do you have a certain style?
Not really. emo/punky/retro

13. Do you write fic? What was the last fic you wrote?
Yes i do. The last one i wrote was called Batman and Robin Break the Cycle (nothing to do with those characters though!)

14. Do you like to clean?
Sometimes the notion takes me and I do enjoy it.

15. What's the last song that got stuck in your head?
20 Dollar Nose Bleed - Fall Out Boy

16. What's the last movie you saw?
I watched Van Wilder on TV last night

17. What was the last thing you ate?
Honey roasted peanuts

18. What are you doing at the moment (besides this meme)
Watching Eastenders

Ok, i tag:

garrardsisters
liketostopthen
luvstories
zander_oflar
strarnin
ryansgal63
vanillasky2008 mrsalanadavis

Writer's Block: From A to Z

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 16:46:26 GMT

Using one word for each letter of the alphabet, make a list of the words you most associate with yourself or that you feel best describe you.

Submitted By mesila

View 504 Answers

A -Ambitious
B- Bold
C- Confident
D- Deep
E -Efficient
F- Forthright
G- Gregarious
H- Hoarder
I- Intellectual
J- Jovial
K- Knowledgeable
L- Level
M- Mature
N- Nonchalant
O - Organised
P- Pedantic
Q- Quirky
R- Responsible
S- Sarcastic
T- Tenacious
U - Unusual
V - Viglent
W - Witty
X - xanthippe
Y - Yonderly
Z - Zealous

another memmy meme meme

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 23:30:39 GMT

Ok so I'm uber bored. Sorry to clog up the lists guys, but feel free to steal. Found this one randomly through google! Highlight in bold the one

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train - on a bus actually :D
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing

40. Seen Michelangelo's David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted by your mother
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a cheque
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favourite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone's life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a mobile phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day

New Year Meme

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 00:06:05 GMT

I don't often do these, but I'm bored and have been experiencing major writer's block of late, so I'm hoping that any kind of writing will tempt the muse from her sabbatical. Feel free to snag it and do it yourself!

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before? 

I went to Las Vegas for a week, alone, which was amazing, but looking back in retrospect, probably quite a daunting thing to do on my own, so go me lol! It was my first solo holiday abroad also. I also went to the comedy store in London and met Greg Proops. Probably the most momentous event, however, was buying my first house. Nothing makes you feel more grown up than your first mortgage payment :|

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? 

I don't make them because I know that I will most probably a) forget them or b) get fed up, so yeah - I don't bother and I don't imagine that will change this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? 

nope

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Unfortunately my cousin, Paul, who was 29, died of cancer in November, which was extremely difficult.
 
5. What countries did you visit?

England and the USA
 
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

I have pretty much everything I could want in terms of material things. I suppose I'd like a little more self satisfaction and happiness within myself.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

17/1/08 - I think that was the date I got the keys to my house, 18/6/08 - Went to Vegas, the whole of November as it was a difficult time for the family because of Paul.
 
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Buying a house and securing 3rd place for promotion after interviewing for a post that over 300 people applied for.
 
9. What was your biggest failure?

Happily, now that I think on it, I don't think I failed at anything. As always I feel a failure in terms of emotional relationships, but that's not something I dwell on anymore; not now that I've realised I'm happier alone
 
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? 

No major illness thank God. Aggravated a recurring knee injury which set me back for a week or two in terms of soccer, but that's nothing unusual!

11. What was the best thing you bought? 

My 37" Full 1080p High Definition TV *pets tv*, oh and Rock Band for the wii :D

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My aunt rosemary, who never ceases to amaze and inspire me.
 
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? 

The BBC's reaction to Jonathan Ross. I never liked Russel Brand, but have at least an ounce of respect for the fact that he did the decent thing and resigned. The BBC merely suspended Ross, cutting his outrageous wages and have sent him away in the hope that when they bring him back the public will have forgotten all about his behaviour. I think they should have sacked him; had they done so the viewing public and license payers would have regained some faith in them.

14. Where did most of your money go? 

On the mortgage/all things house related, followed by my holiday and my TV

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? 

Seeing Paul McCartney live (for the third time) at Anfield for the celebration of Liverpool being the european capital of culture for 2008, also seeing Greg Proops.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008? 

Black and Gold - Sam Sparro. Don't know why!

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:  a) happier or sadder?  b) thinner or fatter?  c) richer or poorer?

I would say I'm about the same, about the same and possibly a little richer
 
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

spent more time with friends instead of hermitting
 
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

wasting time
 
20. How did you spend Christmas? 

with my family, at home, as always; i wouldnt want it any other way.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008? 

Nope

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Apparitions and Doctor Who in terms of new stuff, Whose Line is it anyway? and Family Guy in terms of repeats
 
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? 

Nope

24. What was the best book you read?

Oh God...such a difficult question! I'll go for The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas
 
25. What was your greatest musical discovery? 

a group called you me at six and The Early November

26. What did you want and get? 

A blu ray player

27. What did you want and not get?

The snooker game for the wii
 
28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Batman: The Dark Knight
 
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I was 23 and can't remember doing anything exciting. I had the day off work and went to visit my parents
 
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? 

A huge pay rise lol

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

I'm not fashionable lol. I'd say I've gravitated towards emo
 
32. What kept you sane? 

Live Journal actually, and all the wonderful people I've met through the comms I became a part of

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Paul McCartney as ever! In addition - David Tennant
 
34. What political issue stirred you the most?

America electing Obama
 
35. Who did you miss? 

I miss my uncle norman, who we lost in Oct 2007

36. Who was the best new person you met?

i can't think of anyone in actuality, so i'll go for the folks i've met on LJ :D
 
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.

You have to make the most of every day, value those important to you and do what you want to do
 
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

'Some are dead and some are living; in my life I've loved them all' - In My Life - The Beatles

Writer's Block: R.E.A.D. in America Day

Sun, 12 Oct 2008 22:43:29 GMT

In celebration of R.E.A.D. in America Day, tell us about what you're reading. How is reading important to you? What would you recommend to others?

View 500 Answers

Reading has been an integral part of my life for as long as i can remember; one of my earliest memories is of laying in my cot on holiday in Jersey happily 'reading' a picture book. It was green and had a sheep on the front. There are lots of baby pictures in the albums at home of me in what you refer to as 'funny baby pictures' - one i'm no more than a few months old, lying on the floor on my changing mat 'reading' a book about my ABCs (i always was a precocious child!) and in another, aged roughly about 2 or 3, I'm perched on the stairs in my pyjamas reading the daily mail (always right wing as well!)

Put simply, reading is something that i have always done, that came naturally to me, and being frank, i could not live without. As a child my parents would take me to the library on a Saturday and I'd pick out some books to borrow for the week, and it was brilliant. I don't remember learning to read at school; it was just something I seemed to be able to do, unlike maths, which i remember vividly struggling with all through my school years. I was always in the top group for reading, and loved reading aloud to anyone who would listen; it became one of my talents and I suppose was a precursor to my going into drama.

My parents are both avid readers; my mum would always buy me new books and we would read them together, a favoured family activity. Reading runs throughout my family now that i think of it - i remember my grandmother (my dad's mum) would get visits from the travelling library to her house, and there was alwys a selection of books in her back kitchen that was like a little makeshift library. She had glaucoma and a lot of problems with her eyes, but reading was something she loved nonetheless. My uncle was a lecturer in children's literature at Trinty College Dublin, and when he would visit he would always bring me a book, or several, for me to read, and he'd ask me what i thought of them, valuing my opinion. I always read books older than my years; i recall a school trip when I was 9 when we would be travelling by train to the Ulster museum and I took along a book that i was reading on the kennedys that my mum had been reading. I'll read anything - i'll read the packets in the cupboards if i'm bored and there's nothing else to read.

I've never understood why people can't get pleasure from reading. A good book can be your best friend, especially when you find a story that you really connect with. I don't believe i've ever thrown away a book; i couldn' bear to. Consequently, my attic at home is groaning with all the books from my childhood and my room is full to the brim. I studied English at university, and so 3 years worth of books travelled home with me and sit, waiting patiently for me to get my wall to wall book cases constructed so that they can have a proper home.

I'm very particular about what i read in terms of novels. As a renaissance scholar, i dislike a lot of postmodern novels; anything that has been short listed or won the booker prize is not likely to interest me. In terms of 'high brow' literary novels i enjoy thomas hardy, charles dickens, dumas and D.H Lawrence. There ar of course others, but those names spring immediately to mind at this late hour. I love reading plays, and in terms of what i like to call 'high street fiction' i do enjoy the Dan Browne novels - for content as opposed to literary style, i hasten to add. For me, in terms of enjoyment, novels are about content rather than style. Postmodern fiction tends to overly concern itself with the way in which it is constructed, and whilst i can appreciate that as a student of literature, it does give me a headache to try and enjoy the content whilst untieing the construction.

At the moment I'm just in the process of finishing the last of Christopher Paolini's trilogy - Brisingr - a series that i absolutely adore. Fantasy is something i got into only a few years ago, and in particular that of children's literature. I'd recommend that to anyone, especially students of literature, because armed with the knowledge of literary construction, you can see just how well written these books are, and find tropes and designs that draw from themes as far back as employed in medieval literature.

Also at the moment, and sticking with the theme of children's literature, i'm reading the Young Bond series by Charlie Higson. I adore Ian Fleming's Bond novels, and Higson's books are just as fabulous, and he captures, i think, the right note for a young Bond. And they are certainly appealing to older readers like myself. I've always found that the best children's books can appeal across all age groups, which is as it should be, because books should never talk down to children.

I probably have too many books, but at the same time i don't think that's possible. i'm a sucker for second hand book sales - i just can't resist, and if you are ever stuck for a present idea for me, get me a book token - it will NOT go to waste! Books are just...fabulous. I love reading autobiographies - great for nosy people like myself, and if you develop an interest, why not read books on the subject and learn more about it?

I think everyone should attempt to ejoy reading - perservere with it, make time for yourself to immerse yourself in another world - escape the current gloom and relax. It's calming, it's not that expensive, it's informative and you can lose yourself in a good story. What could be better? Sure, it may be easier to watch the movie, but take it from me - find a book that you love, a story that shouts out to you and it will stay with you, it will touch you in a way that a movie or tv show never could. Once you connect, you'll be hooked and soon you'll have endless shelves of well worn and much loved books, just like me!

Writer's Block: Loved Ones Afar

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 19:16:32 GMT

Do you miss anyone right now? What past experiences with this person, or these persons, make it easy for you to miss them?

Submitted By mattbcl

View 501 Answers

I always find, that when i need it the most, Live Journal provides me with the outlet i need to purge from my mind those thoughts that seem to dominate my every waking moment. The thoughts in question, or rather that i will use to answer this question, are synonymous with this time of year for me and are always about the same person. This time of year, every year, is the storm after the calm.

Currently i am living through the annual turmoil, the aftermath of what is always one of the most blissful weeks of the year. The time of year when i see Him and can spend time with Him freely; when we can just be what we want to be, do what we want to do and say what we want to say. It's like a period of utopia in an otherwise mundane annual cycle. It's exciting, happy, warm and almost unreal. I suppose it is almost like a dream; as with anything happy it is fleeting, transitory. You blink and by the time you realise your eyes have closed you know that your time has ended for another year. You're awake and back in reality. And then He's gone. Gone from me and from my life and so begins the viscious part of the cycle. The longing, the missing and the yearning. Touches and scents linger on my skin as words etch themselves into my memory and His words resound and echo in my mind. But the sensation of the touches fade and the scent of Him on my shirt that i hug in bed at night becomes feinter and feinter, until it becomes only a memory in my head and i have to strain to recall the sound of His voice in my ears.

And that's when I finally have to accept that He's gone and the dream is over. And He may as well be on the other side of the world. He's not, but that's how it seems. And I think that's what hurts the most. He's near, and yet so impossibly far away from me, and He always will be. We can only go so far before we reach the line. The line we can never cross; that's how it has to be.

It's true, what they say, that time is a healer. It does get easier with time - primarily because you can no longer feel the touches, or smell the scent. The signs of His presence fade with time, disappearing from the prominence and the forefront of my mind. He's always there though, locked away in the deepest recesses of my mind, in a safe place. Safe because when He's there it means my life can begin to function as normal again; the pain is no longer as constant. Safely in my memory also, there for me to access and to remind me that He is still there. That he always will be, but when He's there, I'm in control. When He dominates my thoughts I can think about nothing else; can't concentrate. It is all consuming, but locked away I am in control. I have a choice. A choice to dwell, or a choice to move on. To carry on as normal.

So for around 40 weeks of the year that's what I do. For one week I'm blissfully happy, and for the other 11 - or variants on that (my feelings aren't always an exact science) I'm in the viscious part of the cycle. And I miss him like crazy.

Like I do now.

Writer's Block: My Userpics

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 20:19:35 GMT

What was your first LiveJournal usericon and why? Why did you select your current default userpic?

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Writer's Block: All in the Family

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 19:27:55 GMT

How do you think having siblings (or not having siblings) affects who you are as a person?

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Such is my limited use of LJ - I know, bad self - I've never noticed these 'writer's block' suggestions before, but low and behold, just when I needed something, they appeared! I had a flick through and not much seemed to grab me until i reached the end and found this one - which is very me. So, here we go - a little essay/pondering/insight into my mind and what makes me tick. Maybe someone will identify/enjoy/think i'm insane - whatever.

Firstly, this question caught my attention because I have been thinking a lot recently about this area. I'm an only child and it is only recently that i have been thinking a lot about just how much that does affect me, and has affected me as a person. A point to note as I begin is that my parents are older than those of most people my age; my Dad was 38 when I was born, and my mum 42. I don't quite know why they waited so long - if there were any medical reasons why. I'm not an IVF baby, i know that, but as for the reason why they waited so long, i don't know. Maybe that's something i should ask. I wasn't an accident either, because both of my parents adore children and were considered the 'favourite' aunt and uncle to my numerous cousins. Anyway, i was born late into an extended family where everyone else had had their kids and so I was a surprise in that respect. My Dad's side of the family is very large - he was one of 8 children, who each in turn all had 2 kids of their own (weird, i know!) So I'm different for three reasons already - my parents are older than most, i'm an only child in a family filled with siblings and i arrived much later than the rest - the next grandchild to me on my dad's side is 9 years older than me.

On the flip side - i'm the eldest grandchild on my mum's side of the family - but her brother has three kids, so again i stand out alone. As i look back, i would say that i enjoyed being an only child; mainly for the above reasons. I arrived into the family when everyone thought that no one else would arrive, and as such I was indulged - by cousins as well as aunts an uncles, and i suppose that's why i never really felt isolated or alone as a child - we were a close family that always congregated at my grandparents' house on a sunday afternoon, so i always had plenty of company.

One thing i would certainly say has affected me as a result of being an only child, surrounded by people older than me rather than kids of a similar age, is that I was very much adult like as a child. My parents are both avid readers and one of my earliest memories is of weekly saturday visits to the local library to choose books - it was something they did, and therefore i did too. I got my own library card and consequently access into this adult world, where i was free to pick and choose. It wasn't something a lot of my friends at school did either, and so i felt different - more mature. My prep school reports frequently commented on my mature attitude, and as i think back i know that i was one of those kids who was always mature for their age. A nerd perhaps, to some peoples' thoughts, but i enjoyed having the respect of teachers - of having them trust me with things that they wouldn't trust other kids with. It was another induction into the adult world, into which i always felt more comfortable, because I spent most of my time with older people - my parents chiefly, who always treated me with maturity, if i showed it.

I went to school already having begun to learn to read, i knew my ABCs, could count and spoke a little bit of French and so i stood out a little from the rest. I remember my mum leaving me off on my first day and being quite happy for her to leave and go to work as i remained in the classroom, but there was one boy who cried and bawled and lay down on the floor, kicking his heels against the door. His mother had to stay with him until the morning break. I watched him and wondered what in goodness' name was wrong with him, and why he couldn't sit and play with the lego or take a book from the many shelves like any normal person rather than screaming on the floor. His reaction, however, was normal - well relatively normal, it was a bit extreme, but he wasn't the only child who was crying or a little apprehensive - and that is almost what you would expect. I've always been confident and pretty laid back. I take everything in my stride; very little fazes me and it is rare that i allow anything to stress me out. So going to school was just something you did - that you had to do, so i did it, and i liked it. Most children aren't like that, though, and i know that now from looking back at those old school reports. Teachers praised me for my 'emotional maturity', 'thoughtful insight', 'conscientiousness', 'wisdom beyond her years' and 'witty, intelligent child; a pleasure to teach'. For a child between the ages of 5-11, that made me ecstatic, especially when i knew that not everyone was getting the same comments as me. Again, it was another rung on the ladder of acceptance into the adult world, placing me on a different level to my peers. I was one of the first kids in my first year class at prep to be made a prefect; a very big deal to a five year old. Anyone reading this will probably think i was a swot -but i wasn't, not in the sense that the other kids shunned me or made fun of me. I was popular; friends with most people, an affable child who mixed with everyone and got invited to all the birthday parties, but who was also more than content to sit in the library reading alone.

I was always comfortable in my own company as a child; not to say that i was a recluse - i would go out and play with the neighbours after school, but i wasn't one of those children who would be constantly 'bored' without company. I watched a lot of TV, videos and read; it was a very bad day if i ever announced i was bored. I suppose, i was in a hurry to grow up, to catch up with everyone around me who were all so much older, so I enjoyed the kind of things my parents did, and consequently acquired very different tastes to the conventional child of the 80s and 90s. When New Kids on the Block were the band of the moment i was listening to buddy holly and roy orbison; delving through my dad's LP collection and rapidly becoming a beatles fanatic. My field of academic flair was the arts and languages; i was reading books for children twice my age and going to French classes in the evening - because i wanted to, not because my parents did, i will hasten to add. I enjoyed showing off as a child - speaking French t bamboozle the other kids; it made me feel on another level - made me feel older. I always felt older that i was. I remember asking my teacher when i was 6 for confirmation of the correct spelling of the word 'introduce' - i was writing about my favourite kids tv presenter, a man from southern irish tv called Ray D'arcy, and i was writing about how he 'introduced' lots of programmes every afternoon. The teacher made a point of highlighting to the class about how good the word was - and that pleased me.

I won't say i felt like i didn't belong back then - as i have said, i was popular and liked the kids in my class, but regardless, i was the child who made friends with the older kids in the playground, and who was accepted by them. That was important to me; to feel on an equal footing. I don't think i thought i was better than kids my age, but i did feel that i could have more than held my own in the older classes. This is all probably making me sound very precocious and arrogant - but i wasn't and i'm not. Well, i was a precocious child, but not in an endearing way, because i found myself able to interact with anyone - regardless of age.

As school progressed and I moved onto secondary education, i bypassed the immature teenage years. I was as moody as the next 15 year old girl, but I was never the go out and smash things up/get high on illegal substances teenager. If i'm honest i felt more like 25 than 15; there was always a voice of reason in my head telling me things were a bad idea. And i'm glad of that - the idea of getting smashed still doesn't hold much of an appeal. I dabbled in underage drinking, but even that was sensible. My parents were aware and allowed me to go because they trusted me not to get wasted. And i didn't - well, not if i was coming home ;)

I enjoyed my years at school; i was made a prefect and later Head Girl of the school - an immense achievement that I am still incredibly proud of. To many it is meaningless, but as i'm analysing myself here i will say it was me finally achieving entrance into that adult sector - i was involved in the decisions of the school and had authority over the prefects, and also had considerable responsibilites bestowed upon me. My best friends still laugh about how i got made Head Girl because of the things i used to get up to. I was a prankster, and would get away with saying things to teachers that others wouldn't - for the main reason that my work was always handed in on time and they knew that whilst i played hard, i worked hard too. I also knew how far i could get before crossing the line; knew how to manipulate the system to my advantage. I also liked the teachers, whereas many kids didn't. My ribbing and teasing therefore was well intentioned whereas when others tried it it blew up in their faces massively. Also i was smart enough not to get caught. Don't get me wrong - i never did anything that would have been worthy of expulsion, but i was a prank puller and had a lot of fun. A lovable rogue, perhaps, but also i knew when the time was right for fun and when it wasn't.

So, having looked back at my childhood years, i would say that being an only child affected me in the sense that being surrounded by adult company consequently made me more adult-like. It was always important for me to be treated as an equal, rather than a child. I knew the names of the cabinet ministers, who ruled the country as Prime Minister, what party they were a part of, and so why couldn't i talk to adults? More importantly, why wouldn't they want to talk to me? As i've said, i read a lot; even the newspapers from a very young age and so i was always delving into that older realm, wanting to be a part of it, to catch up with those older than myself.

When i went to university i did so purely for academic reasons. I chose the university because it was the 3rd highest rated English Literature department in the league tables and had a particular reputation for Shakespeare- my primary area of interest. I spent three years there and got absolutely drunkenly trashed twice. I didn't go there to meet friends - i had all the close friends i needed, but i did meet a few special people whilst i was there. Nor did i go for the 'student lifestyle' that entails copious amounts of debt and the missing of lectures and deadlines. University is an expensive business; i was there because i wanted to study. It amazed me how immature the people surrounding me were, however. I could never tap into the mindset - it was as if they were being released from captivity for the first time and the only destination they had in mind was Hedonism. I was exhausted watching them, but never envious.

Maybe it is the mature thing, the 'right' thing for students of 19/20 to go out and get wasted and have one night stands. i went to the theatre and to the British Library and i enjoyed every minute of my university experience. I also socialised through the sporting side of things as i played football, but never once did i ever envy anyone who woke up after a 'great' night feeling so ill that they couldnt get out of bed for three days.

I imagine anyone reading this has an image of some geeky, dowdily dressed 20something year old, but you couldn't be more wrong - and here is where it (maybe) gets interesting. I've said that i was adult-like as a child, but as i've got older if anything i find myself regressing. I'm a big comic book fan (yeah ok, i'll allow a nerd comment for that now) and instead of art deco inspired vases and objets d'art, my shelves are adorned with action figures. I like toys, i think they're cool. I turned 23 in february and I got a series 3 doctor who action figure from my best friend - it's cool you see because the series 3 figure has glasses. Anyway. Yes, so i like comics and i also like cartoons - old cartoons - retro, the cartoons i would watch as a kid. See - i did watch them, so it's not as if i'm trying to recapture a lost youth. I had my youth, but it was just tinged with adult things like reading newspapers and watching old comedy programmes rather than Blue Peter.

My life as an only child has made me the person i am - and that's not bad. I'm a decent, moral individual who works hard. I was perhaps a strange child, but i wouldnt change my childhood. My adult life...well that i another matter. I'm acutely aware that i seem to be morphing into one of those adults who seem trapped in the teenage years - the comics etc, but i do have plenty of adult interests now too. I have an extensive knowledge of wine and enjoy cooking, going to the theatre and of course - reading. Since i started full time employment, however, i find myself more and more wanting to escape into the land of make believe, and now i know why that is. As an only child surrounded by older people all i wanted t do was be a part of the adult world, but i know now that i only had limited access to it. I really had the best of both worlds. Now that i'm here, the adult world isn't really all it's cracked up to be. Especially that paying tax part - that sucks big time. And so i find myself a child once more; i'm alone in the living room and so i'll reach for something to read. Only this time it won't be the newspaper. Too much real life in there that i can understand now. Pass me the Spiderman please.

Colin a huggin and a kissin me!

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:40:08 GMT

Sun, 30 Dec 2007 22:23:23 GMT

I'm new to this LJ business so technical hitches may arise...